| 2 attempts if you can call it that. No self harm, I don't like pain. I'm 24, in Brisbane. Centerlink's system fucked me up. Was also like you in high school, just tried to 'fit in'. Now I realize how stupid that must've looked cos after graduation you find out which one sticks and which ones don't. Deleted all my 'high school friends' off facebook, and I wasn't that close with primary school friends anymore (and being in another country isn't helping at all), so I haven't had a single friend to have real talk with in close to a decade now. Did some kitchen hand during year 12, bitch ass of a boss/manager/superior got me fired, and it seems that made a trauma more than I realized it, and hasn't been working/couldn't get hired since then. Not with my blank-paper equivalent of a resume anyway. After I finished high school, I did TAFE for 1 year (quit) and just been on and off education since then. I did architecture, the regulations was so bullshit, I left. I did Japanese, got too good at it I was treated like an alien. Also realized there isn't much prospect in translations so I stopped trying really hard. Tried architecture a 2nd time, I could understand the shit, but when you just don't like something to the point of almost puking everyday....that should say something. Left permanently. Back to hikikomori for some time, and thought 'when am I gonna quit this kind of life?', so I took Cert 3 in Logistics. Going to class was fine, but then as soon as that was over and I had to look for work, I got real depressed and anxious and back to hikikomori again. Almost got a job with coles beginning of this year, only to find out I was only rolled around on someone's hand. In the end I only got the generic 'unfortunately blablabla but we look forward to blablabla' bullshit email. Trying to start fresh now. I start school again July 10. Just curious how long this one can go on before something bad happens again. I'm on Newstart atm, my only hope is when I move to Austudy, the stress isn't as much. If this new study isn't working out, I'm either just gonna be done with life and let it flow or I might do some apprenticeship on either electrician or mechanics. Not keen on the former but I love cars. Whether my weak-ass physique can handle it or not, I don't know. |
MumeiHikkiMay 31, 2017 5:31 AM
| ''俺はいつになったら自由になれるんだろう…'' |
| I've thought about it for a long time. I just havent from trying to be there for a friend and not deciding on if there is anything I want to say to anyone first. |
| I think about suicide anytime I get stressed out. But that's mainly because of my OCD & intrusive thoughts. I 'hear' the phrase, "Maybe I should kill myself." On a loop. On the worst days, I'd think it hundreds of times. But not actually mean it. But when you hear the same thing thousands of times, you start to believe it. So I struggle with reminding myself that they are just thoughts. It's just the illness and not me. BUT there are plenty of times when I am serious. Where I think about how I'll kill myself. It's like a backup plan for if I get really fucked up. But I've never attempted anything. The closest I've gotten was when I was 18 and not on effective medication for bipolar & anxiety yet. I had the date planned out and planned that if I hadn't gotten help by then, that I'd end it. Fortunately (for my parents) medication did help. On days when I just can't handle life anymore, I'll take a bunch of sleeping pills and just sleep the day away, hoping I'll wake up the next morning feeling better. I make sure not to even come close to ODing, though. Now I just go on living for my mom. If I didn't care so much about her, I would be dead by now. But I know that it would break her if I committed suicide. She'd follow in my footsteps. And she's given so much to me - I can't disappoint this woman & be selfish. It's like the worst thing I could do. -------- As for how long I've been a hikineet, it's been 5 or 6 years? I can't stay in college, my moods are too unstable and I miss too many classes (not to mention the stess of it makes my OCD worse). And for that reason I also can't work. I'm basically agoraphobic as well. I could be worse. It's not like I never leave the house. But I rarely do, and it's only to places I'm comfortable with. |
VokiJun 8, 2017 10:47 AM
| Hmm lately I've been contemplating suicide at an alarming rate.. like whenever I find myself not distracted by anything such as watching anime, reading manga, playing video games, or when I'm trying to sleep. I'm not sure whether I'm still mentally ill or not anymore (I most likely am). I've already been diagnosed with depression before, but my case is kind of weird. I've never attempted suicide, nor inflicted self harm. It's just that I don't really care about what happens to myself anymore. I don't care about my health (I still bother with basic hygiene though), nor people around me, nor my future prospects. I've disconnected myself from this world, so to speak. I've been thinking that life's not worth living anymore, at least from my perspective. I just feel so empty and lifeless. I don't feel any excitement, anticipation, adrenaline/thrill, sense of responsibility/accomplishment, self satisfaction, genuine happiness, etc. All those feelings that make life worth living.. I just don't feel them anymore. Studies, work, relationships (only LDRs though).. I've tried them a bunch of times already. But I keep failing. Every single time there'd be an issue that just ruins everything for me. At some point I ask myself "why even bother anymore?" but I just couldn't give myself an answer I'd be satisfied with, so I completely gave up on everything. I've got no motivation for anything anymore. I know life's meant to have challenges, failures and the like.. but if nothing, and I mean nothing, ever goes your way, that's just bullshit already. Specially for someone like me who's kind of a perfectionist. All I feel now are negative stuff: regret, disappointments, guilt, insecurities, frustrations, despair, loneliness, worthlessness, self pity, etc. Hence why I've become a hikiNEET. Basically, I'm only alive right now because my family wants to keep me so. If not for them, I wouldn't even bother lifting a finger to keep myself alive. I know I'm being a burden to them right now but if I commit suicide, it would probably make it worse for them. That's why I'm holding myself back. Sometimes I just wish I could just poof from existence, without all the nuisances that'd come with it. It's the same anyways whether I'm alive or not. People could say they "care" or whatever.. but unless there's someone who can truly connect with me, I think suicide's quite a tempting option. Naturally, I'm afraid of death.. but only because of the what-could-have-beens I'd be leaving behind. |
 Even if the future awaiting me is so bright that it's blinding, If I'm to face it alone, there's no real meaning in it.. ♫♫ |
| @mayhem845 I've dealt with psychologists/psychiatrists already and took medication, but I don't really think either would do me any good at this point. I feel like my case is kind of more on emotional/situational aspects than mental ones. After all, I'm only considering suicide because I see it as the most guaranteed way of getting out of my miserable life. I don't really care that much about money, achievements, etc. at the moment. I'm more in need of that sense of being needed by someone (other than my family), if that makes any sense. That sense of belongingness/security. Friends just don't do that for me anymore, since like you've mentioned, you really can't tell people's true motives. I've tried befriending people but at some point in time, I just tend to drift away from them or vice versa. I'm a bland, boring hikineet.. so I feel insecure when I find myself just giving them generic responses. Conversations end up being one sided because I've got nothing interesting to share. People have their own lives after all, so I don't wanna bother them just to deal with my selfish constant want of attention. It doesn't help that I never try to work on maintaining those relationships either, since that's just who I am by nature. I'm already cynical to a detrimental level, so that makes things even worse. I could relate a bit to you guys when you mentioned trying to fit in with others, since I usually end up doing that. When I was younger, I was pretty active, easy to get along with, and usually at the core of a group of friends. Now I hate interacting with people (irl mostly), cuz adapting to different personalities just to avoid conflicts and such takes its toll on me. Forcing myself to be someone else for others is just mentally tiring for introverts like me. And the way I see it, my life mostly has revolving doors with brick walls beyond them lol. No matter which I try to open, I've never felt that I've had any progress at all for the last 5+ years. I appreciate sincere people who try to give advice/support and such, but as I've told myself, depression's mostly a self battle, specially in my case. I rather have people depending on me, not the other way around. XD |
Even if the future awaiting me is so bright that it's blinding, If I'm to face it alone, there's no real meaning in it.. ♫♫ |
| @mayhem845 Thank you. @Etzel I don't care much about money either aside from needing it. It's usually easiest to be more open with someone in private one on one |
mayhem845 said: @Voki I've had similar experiences, its rough trying to think let alone do anything with that constant background noise. I'm curious; do you consider them thoughts or just mere sounds ? and when you hear them are they in your own voice or someone else? I had a bad experience with an experimental acne drug that gave me some form of delusional schizophrenia in which i heard voices (my own voice and that of others) that were pretty similar to what you mentioned, is your experience have any similarities? For me I call them "thought bubbles". Like, they aren't something I really hear. But they also aren't thoughts that I'm consciously thinking. It's more like tics (like in tourettes), only they happen in my mind. Like there's some part of my circuit that keeps throwing these things at me on repeat. And it's triggered by stress. If I ignore them, they'll usually go away. But I've got a compulsion to be terrified of the thoughts and to actively obsess over them, which only makes the cycle worse. So even though they make me feel like shit, and I actively want to think about them and question them, I need to stop doing it. Just gotta accept that they are there, they don't have any meaning, and they are out of my control. But that they also don't have any power over me unless I let them. So I now try my best to ignore them. Cause when I don't they only get worse. And when they get worse, I may actually start feeling suicidal. Here, this can better describe how intrusive thoughts in OCD work: https://www.intrusivethoughts.org/ocd-symptoms/ (Intrusive thoughts are only one part of OCD for me, btw. I do have physical compulsions, too, in case anyone was curious. These are the main contributor to me not leaving the house much. I don't actually have much social anxiety.) |
| I kind of do that. I cant go through making toast without thinking about putting a fork in it to electrocute myself despite me in no way wanting to die that way. Among other things. |
mayhem845 said: @Voki that makes a lot of sense. i think i understand know, hopefully you can ignore them and stay strong. I've had somehow similar experience, i believe i suffer from schizoid personality disorder (SPD) (non diagnosed, partially due to the difficulty diagnosing it) which falls into a similar category to OCD I read up a bit on Intrusive thoughts and it sounds pretty rough to deal with I've never experienced OCD before, whats that like? It's not fun. Lol. Always a fight with oneself. |
| I think about it all the time, what keeps me going is the fact that I don't want to bring shame on my family. I keep hoping that things will get better but they never do, I struggle to even pretend to be normal around people, thus I try to avoid human contact as much as possible. I have a job but only because I have to, need money to live as I have nobody to rely on. |
私のホバークラフトはウナギでいっぱいです。 |
| Truck driver, long hours and low pay, at least it keeps me away from people most of the time. |
| 私のホバークラフトはウナギでいっぱいです。 |
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