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just 1 year left, maybe i will find peace, maybe i will find the guts, im scared, what if there is a hell?, what if god gets angry at me?, why can't i just give all i have to someone who deserves it?, why did i have to live?
I will lose a lot this year, there will be nothing left for me, why should i keep holding up?

death is not as bad as people think, its like a reward for a pointless moment during the etenity, for now i will enjoy myself, as much as i can, but now that i see how things are, maybe i do have the courage

time flies very fast, i can't keep up with anything anymore, i can't, i just want some rest, but i have to wait till PMMM story ends so i can let go everything

I will not fulfill my dreams, i know that, but still, i study a lot, practice a lot, for what?, only to fail
"you must do things you don't like", no, i dont need to do that, i will only live a few more years, but you want me to spend this small time listening that i should study until my soul is outside my body, i don't want to fight, im useless after all, i can't do anything on my own, well, maybe one thing

I mean not everything is bad, i am playing better and better every day, i love Madoka every single day, and i try to have fun from time to time, still, Have you never wanted something to happen?, like the night before christmas when you were a child, the day before vacations, the day before the paycheck, i mean, i just want to die, is it really that bad?, i want it, not because i am sad, but because i want to know what does it feel, If I concentrate hard enough and close my eyes I can feel something similar to a space-time dissociation, it feels terribly good, i am just craving for the real thing

I wake up early, i practice, i study, i have friends, i am a bit popular at school, i have almost perfect grades, i have fun, i love my instrument, my family loves me, i have a lot, a lot, and i just care about Madoka, i love her sooooo much, i could give every single thing that i have to have peace right now, i am a bad person?, a bad member of society?, should i be put in lockdown?, i am the bad one?, why do i have to be like this?

Lately i've been thinking about how i will do it, I have a very vivid mental image of what it will be like, and since it is not the first time i will make sure that everything turns out perfect this time, i just don't want one of my relatives to be the one who finds me, i would devastate them a lot, probably, and despite writing something as horrible as this, i can only think about what i'm going to eat tomorrow, at this point it feels so natural for me to feel bad, it feels warm, a comforting feeling, i started to love my suffering, because i feel that i deserve it, i look for it, i want it, i need it, in case you wonder, i want to eat some pizza tomorrow

I am falling back into alcohol to drown my sorrows, I love being drunk, I don't have to think about anything, just preparing my next drink, until the bottle is empty, and now I have to deal with reality again, I will die in a dark room, alone

I did something I hadn't done in a long time, a very very very bad thing, i forgot the feeling you have when you do it, its like, relief, but just for a brief moment, then you gotta do it again, it hurts but just a moment, I don't know how I fell so low again


"El que desea morir es el malo?, o malos son los que lo obligan a vivir una vida miserable?"
- Me

People, enjoy your life, enjoy your happiness, take what you deserve and don't end up like me