| o_O |
| I go by Melkevin story the sphere. |
AnimewolfguyJun 20, 2014 10:36 AM
| I'm Shiratori, lol. I think I also go with Mel. (I can't read jamesjamiegracia, I requested access just now) |
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
| ahh my apologies. I've never put up my work online before so I didn't know I had to fix that. I think I made it public now though. If it still isn't working, you can read the pdf at: http://fav.me/d7gsh9u |
| Alright so, I read them all. Lets see. Disgaea, your story has no cohesion, let alone a story at all. It looks like it's just an introduction with no real face of a story. Like, you could probably display that whole piece in a 1:45sec opening for an anime. I wish you would have included more though, everyone seems to just ignore card game settings ever since Yu-Gi-Oh made it all kid-like. Shiratori, Clashing Feelings is freaking awesome. It's so cute and funny at the same time. I got to say, from the first chapter, I got down all of the emotions from the characters - YOU EVEN MADE A MAP OF THE SCHOOL~! Lol at the principal, he reminded me of Nichijou's principal xD. I kinda know where the story is headed[3 guy leads, 3 female leads... ;)] but thats not a bad thing. It's like you said, it feels like a combination of Shounen and Shoujo mixed. You should definitely consider making this into a manga. Perhaps hire someone or find some desperate artist on deviant art~! I'll read more when I don't have work~! JamesJamieGarcia, So, The Gods Gift seemed a little... try-hard. I know thats a bad word for it, but the horror element was so profusely exposed that I didn't get anything else. I mean, I can tell its a dark story, but you should really consider brighter moments. Even when Gabe had that romance with the girl of whose name escapes me, she just died.(I stopped reading there, my apologies if he wishes her to come back or something). Another issue I had was right in the middle of the second section; you were talking about gabe getting annoyed of a video game and all of a sudden you changed the scene to a girl that finds the hospital and somehow finds Gabe? Did you forget to copy something or did I misread? Although, I apologize in advance because I read this after I read Clashing Feelings, and its a huge constrast in terms of complexity. As per the dictation of the poll: Best writing goes to Clashing Feelings, I think I enjoyed it the most. However, the writing STYLE of Gods Gift felt more artistic than Clashing Feelings. So maybe Gods Gift gets more aesthetically pleasing while Clashing Feelings gets the more "real" feel of a story. Best Main Character goes to Gabe from The Gods Gift. I got more of his feelings when Xavier had the countdown on the girls life, I felt like I knew him a bit more at the end of the story than I did with the others, granted, I never actually finished Clashing Feelings(just the first chapter) so off that initial impression I will go with Gabe. Best Premise... Well dammit. I want to give it to Deck-Tech-Monsters because I FREAKING WANT A CARD GAME STORY TO HAPPEN.... But Clashing Feelings had the best "Story" feel to it. I felt like the moment Sensei said "Vice Rep and Rep" I saw the seeds of a beautiful story begin to sprout. In contrast, I severely disliked the premise of The Gods Gift, mainly due to myself disliking horror and not understanding a majority of what was going on most of the time.
I'm glad you guys liked The Sphere: The Empty Girl, but honestly I hate that story. I wrote it in 2 days. Absolutely super-rushed. If you're interested in reading a better story of mine, feel free to contact me, or wait for the next contest ;) All in all I vote for Clashing Feelings, then The Gods Gift(Although it needs work) and then the final vote would go to DECK-TECK-Monsters. Toodles~ -Mel'Kaven |
MelKavenJun 11, 2014 11:54 AM
| I fully agree with Mel on the topic of the Clashing Feelings story. I thought it was a really simple yet unique idea, of having childhood rivals. I think it is something that would make a wonderful ongoing story, to see how things turn out between the two characters when they grow up, if there is a romance or not. Or if just to enjoy the lighthearted fun of the story. I'd like to give points for the fact there is some sort of back story about "the liar" nickname. It means you have well developed characters. However, I can't say much more about it, nor would it serve any meaning for me to, due to the fact that I did not read it all the way through. But if Mel says that it is good, I might just take the time to. One last things I'll say is that although the stuff like the layout maps of the city and school are nice touches, and show your dedication, I think it deters from the main focus, which should be the story itself. Moving on to Melkaven's "The Sphere" the only other written story... I'm going to have to agree with Mel's opinion on his story. Now I think I can give my opinion on this one, if, solely for the fact that I actually took the time to read it all the way through... All 29 pages... So, while we're just being critical, I'll say that your writing style is repetitive and stretched, the story is inconclusive and the main focus is nowhere to be found. Firstly, the setting is post-apocalyptic. Something that's probably the most prominent theme in history, seems a little more try-hard to me.. But that's just me.. Post-apocalyptic stories will always be cool. But not unique or original. (except maybe SnK) Now about the writing style, I think you just spend too much time trying to engrave the same points into your reader's heads over and over again. There were many times while reading that I was like, "I get it already". I think it prolongs what actually matters in the story and is probably also why the story was so long. On to the actual story, I feel like the focus jumped around everywhere. For example, for some reason you spent more time describing what it was like to change the girl in the dark rather than explain why the doctor knew so much information about the "sentinels" when the main character was the first person to come close to one before. I thought that was rather confusing. The only time I actually started to enjoy it was right when the plot-twist came up, and the doctor told the main character that the girl was dead while he was napping. But after that whole fiasco, where the doctor pulls out the gun, it was so anti-climactic. I mean, they just went back to enjoying their lunch? Lastly, I said the story was inconclusive, well, because, it doesn't have an ending. No conflict is resolved in the story.. At the end, the main character passes a simulation test by shooting one of his own soldiers(?) and then the girl is scared of him... With this I was just lost. I felt, that some focus should have been pressed on the matter of finding out what the sentinel was, and why didn't they go back to take it to base after the MC shot it down? I mean, that sounds like it should have been pretty important to these people being the first to be brought down. They could have found information on it that could have potentially saved what is left of the human race... So pretty much, it seemed like the things that really should have mattered in the story, didn't, and those that shouldn't have, did. About The God's Gift, I apologize @Melkaven if you were not able to follow what was happening and became confused at that part. But no, it is no mistake in the writing. The plot in my story jumps around from different setting to different time-periods in certain places. That's actually the definition of plot. I didn't think it would confuse reader's, though. During the part where Gabriel develops his first emotions while playing a game, I do jump to a different setting where Monday wakes up in her home. But she doesn't go to a hospital. She goes to her aunt's house in the country, like her mother told her she was doing that morning... I assumed that was pretty easy to follow. I don't now if there is anything I can really change to help that. I actually don't hate my story. It took me 15 straight days after I said I was going to write it to finish it, and I did it all before the deadline. There's only 3 missing words and 3 misspelled words, but other than that I don't think it needs any work. More importantly, you probably shouldn't say anything 'til you finish the story lol. Now for the poll: The results will always be skewed so, Best writing:" the sphere" @MelKaven you know how to create well verse descriptives. But like the saying goes, too much of anything can be bad. Best premise: Clashing Feelings. Focus on your writing and you will evoke your reader's surely! Especially with the lighthearted initial feel! Favorite character: prob the principal in Clashing Feelings lol |
jamesjaimegarciaJun 11, 2014 6:24 PM
| Wow, thanks guys. Unfortunately, I'm really overworked at the moment, and I couldn't read JamesJamieGracia's past the synopsis. I want to vote properly, when does the poll closes? Oh bummer, and I just noticed that MelKaven's story is not the "Clockwater", and so I have to read it too. I definitely won't make it in time... :( Okay, but maybe I'll try to read the first chapters of each story and try to vote just by that. |
Shiratori-sanJun 12, 2014 4:31 AM
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
| Alright, I somehow managed to read the first chapters of each story (and the prologue of The God's Gift too). And I have to say, it's hard for me to decide who's better. But here it goes: Best writing: I vote for Garcia's The God's Gift Well, if I was to decide based solely on how skillfully one is at using words and constructing complex and unique grammatical structures, I'd vote for Mel. But all that complexity makes the text harder to read for a non-native English speaker like me. I found Garcia's text easier to read, fast and concise, so I was feeling "at home". And I loved the Buddhist joke. Favorite main character: The Chief from Garcia's The God's Gift Well, in 1 chapter I can't judge a thing. In fact that chief may as well not be a MC at all, but I liked him a lot. The only MC was probably Glen, but I couldn't find anything likable at him yet. Glen seemed ready to die but he then closed his eyes in fear, so at least he feels human. And he is curious too. He seems a fine MC. But that chief, even if he is very clichéd, I found him very cool in a funny way and enjoyed how he was treating the newbie. Best premises: Mel's The Sphere I liked both "The Sphere" and "The God's Gift". Both of them were a very interesting reading and have a lot of potential, and I want to keep reading both of them when the story is finished. The God's Gift" reminds me a lot of Elfen Lied, and I liked Elfen Lied a lot, so it's good. I don't know if the MC will use his power for evil/destruction, personal pleasure/gain or to do good deeds. However, having a "God's Gift" may seem dangerous to the story, because no one will be able to fight back, unless there is another person with "God's Gift", but then who would win? They will at best kill each other, as having one emerging victorious seems impossible. In that sense, I had to vote for Mel's, as I can see the story developing in various possible interesting ways in a cool post apocalyptic world. Who is that girl? Will that girl befriend Glen and the humans? Will she help Glen fight the sentinels? Will there be romance? Quite interesting. About Disgeae's Deck-TECH-Monsters... you will have to develop your story further. Right now it's not a story at all, but a synopsis at best. So ganbatte! And everyone, keep working hard! |
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
| Congratulations Mel (^_^)/ |
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
MikoBLRinyuu said: so Best writing and best premises goes to Mel Best character is tied between The chief, The principle, and Gabe. The gods gift has majority, but its still a 3 way tie Why don't you vote? @miko |
MikoBLRinyuu said: @jamesjamiegarcia. Between work, my own writing, reading other stuff and video games I have limited time lol. Hidoi, you don't think that our works are worth of your time. (;_;) |
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
MikoBLRinyuu said: I was just joking (>_0) And I totally understand you, I'm also constantly busy, I can't remember the last time I felt boredom (except at work).They are, but I'm typically busy elsewhere. Why would I make a contest(for months on end with no entry) if I didn't think they were worth my time? But I'm feeling really restless right now. I feel that even if I wrote the greatest masterpiece (whatever that means), no one would read it. I'm losing all hope... I mean, it's fun to write, and I'm not doing it for fame or fortune, I just wanted to give the readers some enjoyment. But if no one's even reading it, it's useless... |
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
Shiratori-san said: MikoBLRinyuu said: I was just joking (>_0) And I totally understand you, I'm also constantly busy, I can't remember the last time I felt boredom (except at work).They are, but I'm typically busy elsewhere. Why would I make a contest(for months on end with no entry) if I didn't think they were worth my time? But I'm feeling really restless right now. I feel that even if I wrote the greatest masterpiece (whatever that means), no one would read it. I'm losing all hope... I mean, it's fun to write, and I'm not doing it for fame or fortune, I just wanted to give the readers some enjoyment. But if no one's even reading it, it's useless... I felt that way for a time. Honestly, you just have to have a great beginning. Your specific story isn't that fun to read in a script format, you should honestly consider commissioning someone to make it into a manga. That will popularize it. Guaranteed. I've been working on doing the same thing with one of mine that is surprisingly similar to your story. Its called "The Council" and its a Slice of Life just like "Clashing Feelings". |
MelKaven said: Well, I'm trying to get an illustrator so I can include some art in CF, which I hope it helps. But not many people want to do it for fun. And a full manga would be massive work.I felt that way for a time. Honestly, you just have to have a great beginning. Your specific story isn't that fun to read in a script format, you should honestly consider commissioning someone to make it into a manga. That will popularize it. Guaranteed. I've been working on doing the same thing with one of mine that is surprisingly similar to your story. Its called "The Council" and its a Slice of Life just like "Clashing Feelings". MikoBLRinyuu said: or sell it as an e-book lol No, no, no! If no one's reading it for free... and truth to be told, I'd like to write for a living (because writing is fun), so it means I'm doing it with money as a goal at the long run, but right now I just wanted people to enjoy it. If no one's reading, I can't write anymore. I don't have the strength to do so. Why should I write and work very hard to correct the mistakes, if no one's going to read? It's fun, but the proofreading part is hell and the whole thing takes a lot of time. I might give up... |
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
Miko_Rinyuu said: They are, but I'm typically busy elsewhere. Why would I make a contest(for months on end with no entry) if I didn't think they were worth my time? Why make contests for months on end with no entries but not read the stories in the one contest that finally gets submissions? It was only three stories lol |
More topics from this board
Sticky: » Introduction ( 1 2 )Mafortion - Aug 20, 2012 |
83 |
by Ganymede1135
»»
Apr 6, 2022 7:53 PM |
|
» Idea: Gauge GirlsSargeB96 - Mar 1, 2017 |
0 |
by SargeB96
»»
Mar 1, 2017 5:34 AM |
|
» The Legacy of Dimension LegendxXFumbiXx - Feb 16, 2016 |
0 |
by xXFumbiXx
»»
Feb 16, 2016 2:16 PM |
|
» Key and Lock: Chapter 1 and Characters' IntroductionAlyssiaNyaa - Oct 24, 2015 |
0 |
by AlyssiaNyaa
»»
Oct 24, 2015 5:14 AM |
|
» Knight Shine Chapter 6: Spirits Being Liftedremoved-user - Sep 14, 2015 |
0 |
by removed-user
»»
Sep 14, 2015 7:21 PM |